i need help with a problem

Discussion in 'The Chatterbox (General Chat)' started by Sakura Sakamoto, Jul 4, 2009.

  1. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    i have a serious problem i know this isn't that type of site and i know it's my first day and this is my second post but if have been here a couple of times as aguest and everyone seems realy so i thought i'd try here for the advice i seek.

    my problem is me i can't understand how the people around me like me. my friends like me,my family likes me even the people i work with like me but why? how can people like someone who hates them selves to point of self harm.
    a little while back my parents went away for a couple of weeks and i had to the washing. first time using the washing machine during the wash i realized i'd forgot to put the powder in the machine on that realization i snapped and layed into my self arguing with myself calling myself useless a complete waste of time and so on then i satrted hit my self.
    it was like there was two of me a mean,nasty side bullying the weaker timed side.
    to be honest the experience was rather scary.
    i sat there infront of the washing machine beating myself while begging my self for mercy and compation the beating inflicted on legges and chest seemed as if nothing compared to suffering in my heart. i sat there all alone tears streamed from eyes.
    it stopped when i had no tears left i manged to forgive my self for being so hard on and the beating stopped.
    but it's not the first time this has happened it's happened before i make a mistake and i get angery at myself then i beat myself.
    i carry regret with me and can't forgive myself for the things i've done even though the people i did it have managed to forgive me.
    i hope somebody can give some advice.
    because i'd like to have a relationship one day but i don't that person to suffer the way i do.
    i want to like myself i ant to be able to forgive myself but i can't i want to talk to someone about the way i feel but who do i talk me and my dad hardly ever talk and when i mention it to my mum she thinks i'd should put in a nut house i can't exactly bring in convasion with my work colleges and what would friends do would stand by me if they knew the truth or would they think i'm truly mental and leave by self.
    if read all of this then thankyou.
    any advice on what i should do would most apreciated.
    again thankyou.
  2. Entropy

    Entropy Deus Ex Machina

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    First, let me say that I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist or anything. I just have some personal experience in mental illness (which is what this sounds like, to me at least).

    You've done the right thing by talking about it. Most people don't say anything, which only makes things worse. Thank you.

    Talking is good. It doesn't have to be with an expensive psychiatrist or anything, just with someone who you can trust. One thing that took me forever to get was that was that people will understand -- they will listen to you, and they won't judge you or think less of you. If anything, they will think more of you, since it requires a lot of strength to talk about this.

    When I first started talking about my problems, it was with this girl. I've never had a serious conversation with her before, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I knew her relatively well, and I trusted her. Seven years later, we're still friends and we still talk.

    As for your problem itself, it looks like you're not looking at the big picture. You're missing everything that you did right, and focusing on everything that you did wrong. Yes, you forgot to put in the powder in, but you're still doing the dishes. Do you know how many people don't do the dishes at all? One of my roommates doesn't do the dishes *at all*, which is ... frustrating to say the least.

    (That may be one of the reasons people like you!)

    One day when I was a kid, my dad made me responsible for making the salad for dinner, since he was going to be late. I got distracted halfway through, so that my dad had to finish when he got home. But, he still thanked me! It didn't matter that I didn't make a perfect salad -- I still washed the lettuce and cut up most of the vegetables, which saved my dad a lot of time. I helped and I did a good thing, even though I didn't do it perfectly.

    You don't have to be perfect. No one expects you to be perfect.

    There's this one book, "Mind over Mood", which has a section on forming a balanced opinion. It's a *balanced* opinion, not an overly positive "Everything's flowers and sunshine! Squee!" opinion, and not an overly negative "A cat would be more useful" opinion. You're supposed to look at the bigger picture, and see what you did right as well as what you did wrong, like me and my salad.

    A friend can help with this. There are so many little things that you do right, that you often overlook them. For example, I'm horrible in social situations (I'm nervous and shy at the best, I can't make small-talk, and so on), but my friend said that I'm a good listener. I would *never* have seen that if she didn't say it. Without her, I would have just assumed that I was horrible at every part of being social, including listening.

    The book also asks about the possible consequences. So, if you forgot the powder, what's the worst-case scenario? What's the best-case scenario? Is the worst-case scenario really likely? Probably not -- the machine isn't going to explode, the house isn't going to burn down, and so on. Knowing this, what is a more likely scenario?

    Lastly, you might want to talk to someone professional, like a psychologist or a psychiatrist. They're trained professionals, so they know what they are doing. There is nothing to be ashamed of by going to one -- people occasionally see them when they don't have any problems. These professionals might find a more serious issue that non-professionals might miss.

    I hope this helped. Thank you, and good luck.
  3. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    thanks for replying and i'm sorry for lying there is imako it's me i'm imako i was going to use imako to talk about my feelings my regrets and my hatred for myself.
    but after reading your reply i realized that it was wrong of me to try and get help this way i should have been up front and honest from the start.
    there is no fred urie or sylva urie or steven urie my dad isn't a cop and my mom isn't a nurse this was writen in my intro.
    i was so scared and ashamed that i didn't want people to know. iwas scared of losing my friends like barty64.
    it's all i'm good at is hurting the people i care about most i'm scared of losing them by dragging them into my dispare my anger my hatred i know my family and friends care about me but i don't i gave up on myself i'm alwas failing at everything even things i consider my to good at i fail.
    i'm so sorry i lied about.
    the i'm doing this is i'm scared barty might one day figure out it's me and he's realy good friend and i don't want to lose that friendship i know i tease him but it's just playful banter and barty if i've realy offened you i'm sorry for that.
    i can go on now knowing that everyone knows i'm broken inside.
    what this site will i still be welcome i know i don't post often but i enjoy the games name that card game,create a card thread, whos that mokemon.
    i wasn't sure if this was the right thing in my heart it felt right but in my mind it felt wrong so i followed my heart and started typeing i might stop soon i have to i have work in 7 hours where i'll make a mess of things because i'm so god damn useless.
    i think it's getting to me all this opening up i've tears rolling down my face im so scared of losing my friends here and at home. i have friends but somtimes i feel so alone i have no one to talk about how i feel.
    the sad and true part is when ever try to mention this to mum she does say maybe we should incarsertae you. my own mum thinks i should be thrown in the nut house.
    maybe shes right i hide my pain and anger behind an overly happy perrsona at work and sometimes my anger shows through and then i hit my self for get anger then i hate my for hitting myself.
    like i said before i'm realy sorry for hiding behind a fake idenity.
    please forgive.
    because i won't i carry this as burden for the rest of my life.
    to be honest i can't see the good times any more only the bad and failings.
    i can't remember the last time i was truely happy.
    i think i'm happiest when other people are happy.
    i've ranted to much.
    if you did read all of this thankyou.
    if there is any advice you may have please share it with.
    and again i'm sorry especialy to entropy.
  4. barty64

    barty64 Moki The Monkey Boy Staff Member

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    Wow, takes a lot to amit the truth regardless of where you do it at and Jinzo I'm your freind nothing and I mean nothing will change that. There's no need to be sorry I know it's just banter between freinds.
  5. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    i was going to stop posting and keep everything that happened from today to myself but then i figured maybe carrying with this would eventualy help me get over my emotional problems.
    to day i had worl 7-5 and i felt bad about what i did on saturday i was worried about the repercusions of the choices i made so i got realy worried and stressed and i started with the self harm out of know there wasnm't even a trigger for it.
    it just happened first i started with a cardboard tube then it turned in to a hammer i gave up on the hammer and used my fists then stopped when i found a ball that started to bounce but eventualy it also became a weapon i'm ok just slightly bruised on my chest and stomach areas.
    i know i need help but i'm to scared and ashamed to talk to a professional.
    i'm confussed at what i should do.
    can someone give some more advice on what i should do.
    any advice is very appreciated.
  6. Maruno

    Maruno Council of Heroes Staff Member

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    Hey, no worries. You'll always be welcome here, regardless of how much of a nutbar you are.

    And at least you're voicing your problems. I know I've got problems, but I never talk about them. I think it's because I've never talked about them that I'm even quite sure what they are. Superiority complex, sense of uselessness, perfectionism, etc. etc., I dunno.

    I'm no psychiatrist, as you may know (I'm a physicist - or rather, I did a physics degree, although I'm currently an audio typist), so I can't give any brilliant and professional advice. What I'll say instead is that you shouldn't get hung up on the little things. In the grand scheme of the Universe, forgetting to put the powder in the dishwasher isn't really that bad. And really, the thing'll spray hot water all over the dishes anyway, so they'll probably be clean enough regardless. If not, you can pause the cycle to stick the powder in, or give them a rinse over afterwards to make sure.

    Hopefully you'll see that you would have gotten (or were getting) worked up over something that's just a very minor inconvenience, and something you could have easily fixed if you'd had a think about it instead of beating yourself up.

    Everyone makes mistakes. I certainly do. For example, in my final year dissertation for my degree, I was making some particle maps, and realised only afterwards that I'd missed out some of the particles, so the maps that I thought were interesting were actually useless. I didn't have the time to go back and redo them, so I was stuck with it. And my dissertation was worth fully 25% of my overall degree, so that was a big mistake to make.

    After I submitted it, I kept thinking of other mistakes I'd made. It was annoying, certainly, but there was nothing I could do about it except go with the flow. It happened, get over it and move on.

    Forgive me for making a presumption here, but I imagine the solutions to the dishwasher problem I mentioned might have made you think you were an idiot for not thinking of them, and instead beating yourself up. Sorry. But you can turn that into an example - the next time you make a mistake, think about how stupid you'd feel for not thinking up a solution to the problem, and use that as motivation to calm down and think of one. No one wants to look like a prat, do they?

    Another suggestion I have is that you force yourself to go do something else when you make a mistake. An example would be to listen to some music, and it just so happens I have a very good song for you.

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ"]YouTube - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life[/ame]

    Now, who can listen to that and not feel better? Just get your ears to that when you're feeling down, and things'll perk up.

    All in all, that's my approach. Laugh it off. Turn it into a joke. Imagine how silly it would have been if you'd put too much powder into the machine, with soap bubbles going everywhere. It'd be like a cheap 1980s sitcom.

    You're only useless if you think you are, and anyone who thinks they're useless is wrong. No exceptions.

    Finally, I'm going to paraphrase a couple of lines from the anime "Fruits Basket". One episode featured a little girl who was laughed at by her classmates every time she spoke, so she ended up just not talking and believing that she was at fault. She eventually ran away, only to be found by the main characters.

    " 'You have to like yourself first before others will like you'? What nonsense. Other people need to like you first so they can show you your good qualities."

    Good qualities, at another point in the series, was likened to the... little thingy that you put on onigiri. The onigiri can't see it, and thinks it's a plain and dull rice ball, but everyone else can see it. The other people can then point out what the onigiri has (the good points), and the onigiri can cheer up because it knows it has it.

    Dunno if it helps, but there you are.
  7. Dillie-O

    Dillie-O Council of Heroes

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    I wish I could write more, as I'm running out the door to work, but let me offer two things up:

    1. We're a city, but you'll find there is definitely a family here that will allow you to vent your feelings without repercussions. You'll find that no matter what kind of hole you're in, there is always somebody else there. We're from all walks of life, but most of the struggles in life are on a universal scale.

    2. When you're feeling frustrated again, try going for a run. It doesn't matter if you have any fancy shoes (just don't wear boots) and go around the block once, twice, three times, however many times it takes to get the aggression out of your mind and clear your head. The physical intensity also helps work these things out and you'll get a little healthier for the effort too. 8^D

    Hang in there.
  8. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    thanks for the advice first thing i'd like to just becasue i'm fussy it was a washing machine not a dishwasher and it has a child lock so the door won't open until a minute after the cycles over

    to be honest maruno i've never talked to it with anyone just myself which oddly doesn't seem to help all that much but typing this seems to be helping.

    i'm not so sure about the look on the bright side of life song idea but i'll give it go i did try listening to be happy y aqua on my idea pod but ended up listen in the end by linkin park and by my self they don't realy help when your feeling down.alone and frustrated.

    i thought about your idea of turning it to a joke and saying what if I'd put to much soap in the machine and the house was full of bubbles.
    then got thinking what would i have done in that situation I'll just say this i'm not a happy bunny at the end of it.

    thanks for all the support.
    I really appreciate it.
  9. DarkLogicianOfCaos

    DarkLogicianOfCaos Eschew Obfuscation

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    Well...it's been 3 years since your last episode. I think that is something to be proud of. May I ask you...why do you think so highly of yourself? Weird question, huh? See, "self-hatred" is just the flip side of pride. When things go wrong, you say, "I'm better than this!" "I should never have done that!" "I ought to be able to do this!" My question is why? Why is it so unbelievable that you are at least as big a screw-up as I am? I know....slap in the face, wake up call, huh? Meant to do that. Got your attention? Good! Most people deny their faults. You (as I used to) focus on them and get mad because you think you should be better than that. Guess what....you're not! Nobody is. We are here (among other things) to learn from our mistakes (and hopefully of others). We can't do that if we go around thinking we should be above making them. No soap in the Laundry...that's annoying, but what harm was really done? Is there a water shortage I don't know about? Did somebody die, or go without their pudding because the soap wasn't there? Okay then...you're fine. (By the way....you can stop the machine, reset it and add the soap.) Don't let that upset you, the fact of the matter is that you had worked yourself into enough of a state that you weren't thinking straight, anyway. I know you were using that as just an example, but so is this, applicable in every situation: "What is the true damage done and is it worth gettting mad about." Or, better yet, "If it happened to someone else, how mad would I be at them? Would I hate them or think them stupid"

    Give yourself some credit. The world is cruel enough without you beating yourself up about it. I should wonder if you maybe you should try seeing a professional (no, not be committed...unless you start having serious thoughts of harming yourself greatly). Maybe you have a chemical imballance. Maybe you have a mild form of schizophrenia (not a diagnosis!!). Maybe, you are allergic to gluten and it is throwing you into mood swings (hey, that's my daughter). There are several possibilities (outside of yourself being the loser you propose) that can factor in to your behavior and self defeatism. I would love to explore those with you, but this is hardly the place (and long distance ...er "question and answer things" never work out well), therefore, as a layman, just throwing my voice in along with many others and giving no advice one way or the other, I say this....

    While I agree that it is often good to vent and have support, really, you need to talk to someone with experience in the field. If the idea of a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist scares you, then here's an easy solution that few ever think of.....go see your family medical doctor. Yes. They are non-threatening, at least have a smattering of understanding and can give you a few tests (besides gluten) that can posibly narrow some of the symptoms down and help you to determine whether you should see a mental health professional.

    If you do need to, guess what? You are like several MILLION other people in the U.S. alone that see one regularly. That would make you normal. I used to see one every 6 months while I was in school. Always good to refocus my mental compass. I would always ask, "Why do I sabotage myself so?!?" Ah, good times.

    Anyway, if you remember our talk from 3 years ago (yeah, who would, right? I mean besides me) you know my heart. You know that I care. You know that you're in no way alone (even in the middle of this). And that you mean a great deal to us here at the City; Barty in particular, me to a good deal, although I have never had you over for cheesecake and lemonade. And if you are going to be at Nationals in PA this weekend, I would love to meet you (I'm easy to spot: Beard, judge shirt, 6'2", often straightening table numbers). I've known several people who were very hard on themselves (beaters, cutters, self-defeaters). With the right knind of help, they are fine. (Okay, one is still having issues, but we haven't given up on her. She is seeing a doctor and does have a serious imbalance. She's a mess and they still haven't committed her, so there's that....)

    @ Dillie-O. Exercise good!! Get out the adrenaline.
  10. Entropy

    Entropy Deus Ex Machina

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    Suddenly I feel like I'm doing a good cop/bad cop thing, we me being serious and Maruno bringing in Monty Python....

    You know Alcoholics Anonymous? One of the reasons they're so successful is because of the "anonymous" part. Many people find it much easier to deal with problems when you're just John, instead of when you're John Q. Smith, senior accountant at the law firm of Dewey, Chetem, and Howe, who can be reach at....

    Or you know how on TV, when someone has a problem, and he goes to the doctor and says "My friend has this problem...."?

    You did the same thing here. People do it all the time, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. I don't take any offence at it.

    However, you're hurting yourself physically. This is NEVER the answer. This is the kind of thing you want to see a psychiatrist about. If left untreated, it might get worst -- you might start cuttting yourself, or you might try to commit suicide, which again is NEVER the answer.

    Is it going to be awkward? Yes. Are you going to feel ashamed? Yes. These things are always hard. However, it's better to deal one thing now, rather than deal with one HUGE thing later.

    When I moved into residence at university, my don (residence supervisor, or whatever you call them) gave everyone a free condom, and said that if you need more, then just ask - she'll give you more for free. She said that yes, it IS going to be awkward to go to someone you barely know and say "Quick, I need a condom!". However, if you compare it to the "I'm pregnant!" conversation that you'll have a month later, it's not so bad.

    Lastly, I'm going to quote Leonard Cohen. He's probably the most depressing poet/songwriter EVER, but I like this particular lyric:

    Ring the bells that still can ring,
    Forget your perfect offering,
    There is a crack in everything,
    That's how the light gets in.


    (Besides, we need something balance out Monty Python!)
  11. Maruno

    Maruno Council of Heroes Staff Member

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    *whi-whistle, wh-whist whi-whist whi-whist*

    Yeah, doesn't really work. How about another song?

    [ame="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2b3xk_bobby-mcferrin-dont-worry-be-happy_music"]Dailymotion - Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy - une vidéo Musique@@AMEPARAM@@http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x2b3xk@@AMEPARAM@@x2b3xk[/ame]

    I'd heard it before, but it was really popularised in my mind because of afk's version of "Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei" ("Goodbye Mr Despair"), where they put in a little bit after the episode to explain the characters' names and put this song over the top.

    I swear, I get the feeling I'm going off-topic. Sorry about that.

    I just don't have anything to add, though. Everyone's messed up - some just hide it more than others. And it's the people who hide and suppress it and don't seek help that wind up never happy. Face your problems, overcome them (and you can do so, I promise you), and be happy.
  12. DarkLogicianOfCaos

    DarkLogicianOfCaos Eschew Obfuscation

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    Nope. On topic enough. Off topic would be me asking how you stole my activity award.............
  13. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    first thing is on topic i don't what your on about with the 3 years ago thing so can please jog my memory.

    to be honest i'm only just opening up about this problem i was hiding it from everyone i think thats why i realy exploded with anger when i made just a stupid mistake not putting powder in the machine.
    i definatly over reacted.

    also i never claimed to perfect but how can anyone make such stupid mistakes.

    off topic DarkLogicianOfCaos maruno stole your activaty award the theif.
  14. Dillie-O

    Dillie-O Council of Heroes

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    We make stupid mistakes all the time! Just yesterday I was at the back cashing a check. You know how it goes: write your name and account number on the request slip and then sign the check and put the account number there too. I immediately started to print my name on the check and signing the request slip. Oy!
  15. DarkLogicianOfCaos

    DarkLogicianOfCaos Eschew Obfuscation

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    Yeah, we couldn't gain access to a particular section of a building that my assistant had rekeyed several years ago (it was "permanently" unlocked), but needed to replace the lever (door knob) and could not remove it because I could not find a key to work it. I thought, what idiot pinned the lock so that not even my master key would work in it! I had to drill the door. Meanwhile, I discovered that all 10 of the doors in this section were done the same way! After the repair, I went to replace the lock and only then looked at the sheet that had the bitting. There was a note. Intentionally left off the master to prevent locking, use key xyz. Oh, so not only was I the moron who did it that way, I was also the moron who wasted 2 hours drilling and replacing a lock, instead of looking the bitting up and using the right key.

    Now, I was already frustrated, but as my self-loathing began to rise, I rememberd my training. Look outside of yourself. What was lost that cannot be regained (2 hrs., a lock and pins), the rest can be fixed (anger, foolishness). Moeover, how hard would I be on my assistant, if it really was his fault? I would growl in his direction, hand him the kit and drill and say, "Fix it!" then move on. No grudges, no abuse. Well, I'm no better than my assistant (even though I have much more experience), so I growled at myself and said, "Fix it!" and ddi. Then I went one step further and pretended like it happened to a friend of mine and he was relating the story. Then I laughed and called myself an idiot, because it really was funny.

    In the army, I had a friend who came into the Staff Duty center and slammed himself down on the couch, muttering to himself (he was not given to cursing). I said, dude, what is wrong. He said, "I put my car in the wrong gear and it went down into the ravine." I laughed. He said, "It's not funny, man!!" I said, wait, wait, wait. It is. Here, look, you sit here and pretend that all is well with the world, I'll be right back. And I went out and did the same thing he did. He laughed. "Alright is funny, but not when it happens to you!" Don't worry, I told him, we'll get it out.

    Like I said, I know that the soap thing was just an example, the issue runs much deeper. But when you get down to it, I think you might find that the core self-talk might contain too high of expectations for yourself. Maybe based on your upbringing. Maybe based on some self-protective strategy you developed, or unrealized potential (mine came from a constant barrage of "you are better than this, you have so much potential") or a host of other things. Most stemming from pride (sorry, it's true). There are a lot of possibilities, too many to discuss here.

    The thing about seeking a professional helper is they can help you get to the root of the problem and deal with any unresolved issues, including developing truth-based self-talk to counter the negative self-talk that often occurs when an incident triggers the thought behind the emotion.

    That's kind of a Yugioh thing, huh? An incident occurs (soap/lock), that triggers a thought process (worthlessness) that activates an emotion (anger) that resolves in abuse (cursing and beating). Nothing can be done about the trigger, but when I recognize the emotion, I can change the trigger to an optional effect (select and activate one of the following...), that instead triggers a different though process (I have intrinsic value) and activates a different emotion (peace) that resolves in a healthy response (laughter). A professional can help you through this process and identify the triggers and reroute them to a healthier response. All the while, you will learn a lot about yourself and others.

    Again, this is not advise or counselling, other than to seek professional assistance. I can only speak from my experience and give examples form others. Results are not meant to represent typical experience, nor particular instruction or advise for this or any other issue.
  16. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    not to be picky DarkLogicianOfCaos but you said it's been 3 years since my last episode but i still don't have a clue what your on about can you please remind i'm realy bad at rememebering things sometimes i can't remember yesterday.
  17. DarkLogicianOfCaos

    DarkLogicianOfCaos Eschew Obfuscation

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  18. Maruno

    Maruno Council of Heroes Staff Member

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    Who stole whose activity award, hmm? :p
  19. Sakura Sakamoto

    Sakura Sakamoto Active Member

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    i think barty has the activaty award at the moment the theif.

    no wait i have it now just stole of barty.
  20. barty64

    barty64 Moki The Monkey Boy Staff Member

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    Can we please stop passing around that award I want it back please:D if you give it back i'll be a good boy:good:

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